


A Turning Point

by mansikka



Series: Filling In The Gaps [8]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode Tag, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 00:48:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14093367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Alternating thoughts for Alec and Magnus during the episode Malec.





	1. Alec

Alec's anger for Clary is… shifting. To see the way she watches over Jocelyn and thinking of all the lengths she's gone to protect her, plus her perfect timing in returning to the Institute with the Mortal Cup; things aren't okay between them, and Alec won't pretend he welcomes this intruder in his world. But he's thankful that she's here in this moment, and her company doesn't currently grate on his nerves.

He even manages a small laugh, but then his cell phone is ringing, and Alec's attention is stolen all over again.

"Magnus needs to speak with me. He might have some information about how to wake your mother up or… stop Valentine. It's important," he adds. Alec doesn't know if that's what he wants to speak to him about but assumes that it must be. It can _only_ be that; there is nothing else left for them to talk about.

"Mmm. Yeah."

There is a tone in Clary's words that Alec doesn't like hearing, and he walks away before he can dwell on it too long.

On the way to Magnus', Alec rehearses everything. His choices of words, the forced ease of his tone, even where he's going to set his eyes so he can't be tempted to _look_ at Magnus. Alec ignores that comforting feeling he gets the second he walks into the apartment, pleading with himself to stick to his plan.

"Hello… Magnus? You said you needed to talk to me," he calls out, telling himself the words come out casually.

"Nice to see you, Alec. I wasn't sure if you'd come."

Alec lets his eyes fall to the necklace sitting low against Magnus chest and forces himself to look up, not acknowledging just how _good_ he thinks he looks. Alec holds his arm out in a gesture he sort of intends to tell Magnus to _stop_ already, and seconds later there's a glass of wine in his hand.

"You know how I hate to drink alone."

Alec imagines otherwise, is fairly sure a man who keeps a permanent cocktail table in their apartment is more than happy to drink alone. But he's also sure that Magnus _likes_ drinking in company, and enjoyed the evening he spent drinking with _him_.

He can't think about that, Alec tells himself, drawing his hand away as Magnus moves to clink against his glass. "I didn't come here to drink."

He has to be stern. He has to stick to his plan. He has to find a way to wake up Jocelyn, and get information about Valentine. And he's getting _married_ ; Alec has to keep reminding himself of that, even if he didn't sleep more than a few minutes last night thinking of ways to get out of it, and wishing he was somewhere else with some _one_ else.

"Do you have any information—"

"On the warlock who cast a spell on Jocelyn?" Magnus finishes for him sounding bored as he rolls his eyes. "I'm looking into it. But we never really finished our conversation after Izzy's trial. About your wedding."

 _No_ , Alec thinks, bristling a little for it, _because you walked away_. That too has played on his mind, that Magnus apparently wants him yet is also so free to walk away from him, when Magnus these past few days hasn't once left his mind.

 _Stop_ , he demands of himself. "There's no conversation to be had. I'm getting married. You and I, we understand marriage very differently."

The rehearsed tone of Alec's words reveals him. He'd known full well that Magnus wanted to see him for reasons other than _Jocelyn_ , and _Valentine_ , and this is how he's shielded himself in an effort to resist.

"I'm a Shadowhunter. This is about family, and tradition. Honor—"

"Honor?" Magnus interrupts, saving Alec from flinching at his own excuses. "Where's the honor in living a lie?"

Okay, Alec thinks, swallowing hard, perhaps Magnus is a _little_ too close to the truth on that one.

"What are you talking about?" he says anyway, because he can't drop this mask.

"What about love?" Magnus asks, beginning to walk towards him. "Even Shadowhunters fall in love, Alec."

Alec shuffles on the spot, desperate to get away yet also frozen right where he stands.

"Just tell me you're in love with Lydia, and I'll stop."

Alec opens his mouth to speak. What he wants to say is, _of course I'm not._  but he can't. He can't say what he feels for Lydia, exactly, aside from a sense of loyalty for what he's promised her. It certainly isn't _love_. He hopes he _grows_ to love her at some point, because otherwise this marriage is going to be just as lonely as Magnus has pointed out it has the potential to be.

But whether he loves Lydia or not, whether he's feeling things for Magnus, this other choice Magnus is offering him isn't one he can take.

"I don't know," Alec says, and then becomes angry. He doesn't need this from Magnus, not this close to the thing that's going to alter his whole life. "Why do you keep pushing?"

There are so many words clambering for freedom but not one of them he trusts to let out.

"You're confusing me," he blurts out, his fear putting the blame on Magnus. He has to get away from how close they're standing.

"Confusion is part of it," Magnus tells him, stopping Alec as he's trying to walk away. "That's how you find out if something's there. Emotions are never black and white. They're more like… symptoms."

Alec can't stop _looking_ at him, not when he comes so close, and makes so much sense even if he's shattering his reasoning apart.

"You lose your breath every time they enter a room," Magnus says as he walks around him. Alec pretends that's not what happens every single time he sees him. Tries to control his breathing for just how much _closer_ Magnus just got. Absently, Alec puts his hand to his chest.

"Your heart beats faster when they walk by."

Alec's heart does just that, and that's when he looks down at where his hand is, and pulls it away.

"Your skin tingles when they stand close enough to feel their breath," Magnus adds. Alec doesn't need to feel the deliberate breath exhaled over the back of his neck to understand that feeling. It's happened every time they've been alone together in the same room.

But Alec can't have this. He's not allowed it, and there's too much else at stake. It doesn't matter how much he wants this. He can't have it. And Magnus just doesn't seem to understand that at all.

"I know you feel what I feel, Alec," Magnus tells him, softer, and that's the thing that breaks Alec from his spell.

"You don't have any clue what I feel. So back off."

He doesn't. Magnus doesn't have all this sense of duty weighing him down, all the reminders from his parents that he's both not good enough yet has to set the best example, churning around in his head ever since he was a kid. It's not Magnus' family name about to lose any meaning, not Magnus that has to sacrifice all that he is, and what he wants just to make things right.

Alec makes to leave, but is hit by a harder wave of anger for Magnus.

"This is all just a game to you, isn't it?" Alec says as he turns round to accuse him. "You flirt, you laugh, you use magic, but at the end of the day, what do you risk?"

It's true. If Alec lets himself give in here, who's to say he'll be little more than a frivolity for Magnus, leaving Alec's life in tatters when he grows bored of the novelty of him?

Alec pretends he can't see the hurt in Magnus' expression knowing he's going to bring him further hurt.

"Even if I did feel something for you, you want me to give up my life for you? I have to do what's right for me."

This _isn't_ right for him, Alec knows it, but has to force the idea away.

"I could lose my family, my career; everything," he adds in a desperate blast. He can't give up all that he is for the possibility of who he could be. No one gets to do that, least of all him.

"You just don't get it," he finishes with, exasperated that Magnus can't understand him in this. It's not about feelings, or having things, or doing what he wants, it's about doing what he _must_. Is it too much to ask for Magnus to try to see things from his point of view?

"You have a choice to make," Magnus tells him, thick with emotion even though Alec can tell he's holding his own anger back.

But he _doesn't_ have a choice, Alec thinks, and if he doesn't leave now he's going to struggle even harder against that lack of choices. Why can't he convince himself to just leave?

"I will not ask again," Magnus adds, and really, Alec thinks, he's not asked him _anything_. Not precisely, or directly, anyway.

But he can't have whatever it is Magnus thinks he's offering. Alec turns back around for one final word to end this conversation indefinitely, but Magnus is nowhere to be seen.

* * *

Magnus is here.

Alec tells his heart it is not racing for the surprise of seeing Magnus in the Institute. In fact, he doesn't know why he's convinced himself their last conversation would mean that they never speak again.

Lydia is by his side, as she's about to be for the rest of their lives, and Magnus looks awkward in their presence, when Alec doesn't know what to feel.

He does, Alec disagrees, but he's been fighting it back ever since he walked out of Magnus' apartment. Filled with regret, and want, and loathing all there is in this world that he can't have. He'll have to channel all his focus into building a life with Lydia, _loving_ Lydia, perhaps. It's the last thing he wants, but it's also the only thing he has.

They can't stop looking at each other. Magnus' eyes are on him just as much as Alec's are on Magnus', and the couple of feet between them feels too much. He has to keep himself away.

"What's going on here?" he says, stern because it's the only way to make him focus. "Nobody told me about a meeting."

He doesn't have the right to know about everything that goes on in the Institute, yet _this_? This, he needed to be told about. He listens to Clary and Jace and instantly wants to be involved; this is _his_ duty and responsibility as much as theirs.

"How can I help?"

"We're just recovering a warlock, Alec. We got this covered," Jace retorts.

Alec doesn't like the way he uses the words _recover_ and _warlock_ in the same sentence in front of Magnus, and neither does he appreciate his tone.

"Besides, you have emissaries from the Clave to meet," Magnus adds, just as curt. "You don't want to tarnish your family's perfectly-crafted image, now do you?"

They're staring at each other again. Alec tries to drag his eyes away, but there's little in this world that can make him want to.

"Again, lovely seeing you, Magnus," Lydia says, snapping him back to reality. Alec follows her as she turns, unable to stop himself looking back over his shoulder just once at Magnus before he leaves the room.

"Did Magnus seem a little strange to you just then?" Lydia asks the second they're alone.

"Honestly? I don't know him well enough to know what's strange behavior for a warlock or not," Alec retorts, hating himself for every word.

"Alec," Lydia says, soft enough to have him turning to look at her. She doesn't say a single word, and yet her expression reveals that she understands. It makes Alec's stomach turn, and he wants to protest, but he doesn't even know what he wants to say. 

"Who are we meeting again?" Alec stutters out. He already knows, they've just been over the names before they'd bumped into Magnus. Lydia repeats the names again for him anyway, and clears her throat for him to stop once they're outside the meeting room.

"Just because we rule with our heads, doesn't mean we can't hear our hearts talking," she says, staring back once again giving the impression she knows his thoughts. 

"Doesn't mean we should listen to them," Alec replies with a small smile. It's as close to an acknowledgment about Magnus that he's willing to make, and pushes and holds the door open for Lydia before she can say another word.

* * *

"Alec, you don't have to go through with this if you don't want to."

Izzy's words are meant to be comforting, but they're just another thing to remind him to do what he must.

"It's what I want," he says, trying desperately to convince himself of it.

Izzy, thankfully, doesn't push, but the very thought of a _bachelor party_ , something to celebrate this choice he's making when it's the exact opposite of what he wants, he can't get away from her fast enough when she tries to tell him about it.

But of course Izzy would try to force him and Jace to talk. It doesn't matter that it's needed, he doesn't _want_ to talk to Jace. There's just too much that's going on between them, and for them separately. Alec doesn't think it's going to be easy to forget or get over all the things he thinks Jace has done, but he misses him, and he needs him, and them not talking has left a piece of him missing. Maybe if he and Jace hadn't got so messed up, this whole thing with Magnus wouldn't be constantly playing on his mind.

Magnus.

It's weird, Alec thinks, listening to Jace talk about Clary, about him kissing her, and falling in love. He doesn't feel wounded by it in the slightest, it's somehow distant from him, a part of Jace's life that isn't connected with any of his own. He doesn't understand it, doesn't want to think about why something that's been with him for so long has suddenly just _gone_ , but those feelings for Jace that have taunted him forever aren't with him anymore. Alec feels relief for that if nothing else.

He's trying to tell Jace not to worry about the confusion he feels for Clary, to comfort him with words he thinks Jace needs to hear, but just a couple of words in, and he's talking about himself.

"You know, it's like, you have this plan for your life, right, and you know what you need to do, and what your responsibilities are. And you think—you _know—_ if you follow the rules, everything's gonna be fine. Then somebody comes along and… pushes you off that path. You just—"

"Hey. I get it," Jace says, and Alec wishes that he did. He wishes he could confide in him about Magnus, and Lydia, and everything he's feeling. But he can't.

"The point is, we're Shadowhunters," he says, demanding to himself that he focus. "Emotions get in the way. And if you get knocked off the path, you have to focus, and find your way back."

And if Alec sounds like he's convincing himself out loud yet again why he's getting married, well, it's because he _is_.

"I mean, you still have to be true to yourself—"

"I am," Alec bites back before any semblance of understanding can knock him from that path. "I'm fulfilling my duty."

Jace's support for him is something Alec had foolishly not realized how much he needs. He has to do this, and he's not what he wants, but if he's got his parabatai to prop him up then maybe things won't be that bad.

* * *

"You've made me so proud."

He shouldn't be so pleased for hearing those words, but as his mother stands before him to say just that, it's everything Alec wants to hear. And it's just the boost he needs; he's been seconds away from sprinting out of this _church_ several times already. Her words are soothing, and very much put Alec in his place.

Things are blurry, and Alec feels like he's stumbling through a rehearsal for something just about hitting his cue. There is a roomful of important people, and the sense of duty adds a painful leap to his heart. And then the ceremony is beginning, and the room falls to a respectful hush, and Alec's hit with the urge to run again, even though he's missed his last chance.

Lydia is beautiful. He can grow to love her even without being even slightly attracted to her, he's sure he can. They are a solid partnership; in these past few days leading up to the wedding she has become a firm friend. When they talk, they speak of plans for the future of the Institute, changes they want to implement and ways around the things they cannot change. Some of it relates to the Shadow World, and others just to them, but as he fastens the wedding necklace around Lydia's neck, Alec tells himself he accepts his decision. Even though her hand doesn't fit right in his when they turn to the altar, and he still can't stop himself thinking about Magnus.

Magnus.

Magnus is here. How is Magnus here? How is he the one who is stealing his breath as he comes to a stop at the end of the aisle, staring back at him in challenge. He even sidesteps his mother, Alec thinks, frozen and mouth gaping and legs barely strong enough to stand.

"I… I can't breathe," he manages to stutter out to Lydia's question, and then it's too late. His resolve is gone, this wedding isn't what he wants, and there's no way he can go through with this. 

That Lydia is instantly understanding and shows nothing but support strengthens Alec's resolve that they will be friends after all of this. Her hand is a comfort on his cheek, and her smile exactly the reassurance that he needs.

Alec turns to this roomful of people, knows the ruckus this is going to cause, anticipates at least a hundred arguments and complaints, but all he can see is Magnus. And even if Magnus is not going to be the huge thing in his future that Alec gets the sense he _will_ be, then, well. First, he has to at least kiss him, and second, Alec has to reveal to everyone present who he really is. What he really wants.

His heart is beating hard, and heavy, and not being able to snatch his eyes away from Magnus tells him just how equally unsettled Magnus feels. Alec takes the two steps down from in front of the altar without breaking eye contact, knowing that this choice he's about to make will determine his entire life.

Magnus is unmoving. He can't know what he's thinking, he must be so confused by the look Alec is giving him, torn between staying and hearing him out, and spinning on his heel to leave permanently this time. Alec thinks he sees his eyes widen even from this distance, and suddenly that gap between them is far too big.

Alec begins the short walk towards him that seems like it might take several years, but then his mind settles and his thoughts clear. This is going to cause chaos, and uproar, and upheaval too probably, but Magnus, Magnus is what he wants.

Alec silences his mother, dismissive as he has never been with her in the past, and continues to stride towards Magnus, whose face flickers with hope and doubt and so many other things Alec doesn't have time to figure out.

With his heart pounding harder than it ever has, Alec closes the gap between them, grabs Magnus' jacket lapels and pulls, finally learning the taste of his mouth. Hesitant hands raise to rest lightly on his sides, and Alec has to pull back to _look_ at him. But he realizes Magnus is chasing his lips, doesn't want him to think he's pulling away, so leans in to kiss him once again. And it's perfect. The way they fit together as though they've already been doing this for years, Alec could lose himself in Magnus right here in front of everyone, and not care at all. Magnus' hands press against him a little more confidently, and Alec takes another half step closer to him, wanting to take even more.

When he pulls back a second time Alec makes himself take a breath, and the reality of what he's done comes in to wind him.

"You never cease to amaze me, Alec," Magnus says with the sweetest, most beautiful smile on his face.

"Yeah," Alec says, breathless in more ways than one. "What did I just do?"

Alec turns to catch the look of rage on his mother's face, the shocked one on his father's, and feels dozens of other sets of judging eyes from around the room. The fallout from this is going to be harder than anything he's experienced. And though Alec can't bring himself to regret it, the consequences he now must face seem huge, insurmountable things.

Still. Izzy is beaming, Simon is… talking, and Magnus is resolutely by his side. And his lips are still tingling from their kiss, Alec thinks. He's having to shove his hands deep in his pockets so he doesn't accidentally reach up to touch his lips to reassure himself of the feeling of them—and to stop himself reaching for Magnus again.

Though that Magnus then _leaves_ him with Simon and Izzy isn't particularly pleasant. Still. Simon's words may be annoying, but he's harmless, really. And Alec has so many other things on his mind he can half drown him out.

* * *

Alec rids himself of his jacket, follows Jace when he calls to say that Magnus has Ragnor's things. Alec offers up a small, shy smile to Magnus that is returned, so many unspoken things passing between them in a silent promise for a later conversation.

Alec watches Magnus tracking the owner of the bookmark and thinks he might never stop looking. He wants to reach out and sweep the magenta hair that's in danger of falling in his eye out of the way. And if his thoughts linger a little on the thought of leaving his hand there on his face and leaning in for another kiss, then they're snatched away from him again at the mention of _Camille_.

When Jace and Clary leave, and there's no one else in sight that he needs to see, Alec gestures for Magnus to follow, even if he's not sure where he wants them to go.

"I'm so glad we got away from that crowd and all those people. So intense," Alec says, knowing he's gesturing a little wilder than usual with his hands. But if he doesn't keep moving, he's going to grab Magnus and kiss him again, he knows he is; even with this constant fluttering in his stomach wondering if he's done the right thing.

"I have to hand it to you, Alexander," Magnus says, beaming at him, "you certainly know how to make a statement."

Does he have to stand so close, Alec asks himself, already feeling his stomach jolt for it, and an unconscious smile light up his face. Stolen, of course, when his parents come charging towards him; he doesn't blame Magnus for turning away from them, but appreciates that he stays nearby. Alec keeps fiddling with his shirt cuffs needing something to do with his hands, waiting for their judgment.

"You are either being selfish or naive," is the first accusation from his mother that stings for Alec. Followed closely by, "I don't even recognize you anymore."

"I'm the same person I've always been," he retorts with, keeping his voice deliberately calm. "Now everything's just out in the open."

"And all for a Downworlder," she says, horrified. Alec has the urge to step in front of his mother to stop her looking at Magnus how she is, half-hopes that Magnus won't hear her words.

When she storms away from him, Alec doesn't know what to think, though his father not immediately rushing off goes a little way to help.

"Just give her time," he says, which sounds like a sort of acceptance of the way things are.

Alec takes a deep breath, needing to get his father's opinion as well. "And you?"

"I don't really understand this," he says, looking at Magnus before he looks back at Alec. "But I suppose our world is changing."

It's sort of acceptance, Alec thinks, both surprised and unsurprised that he feels relief.

"How long has this been going on?" Robert asks in curiosity. "Are you two in love?"

Magnus takes that as his cue and comes to stand beside Alec, and Alec is thankful for it even if he does feel awkward.

"Love?" Alec says with a nervous laugh. "What? No. No, it's… it's, uh, it's sort of a different… it's not—"

"It's all very new," Magnus says, rescuing him. Alec leans in a little towards him in relief.

"Right," Robert says with a tone of not knowing what else he's supposed to say to them. But he smiles, awkwardly, and reaches out to squeeze Alec's arm, and that's about as close as an endorsement as Alec thinks he's going to get. "I better go check on Mom."

Alec watches his dad walk away, and pleads with his heart to calm.

"You know what I just realized?" Magnus says after a moment. "We still haven't gone on our first date yet."

Alec smiles at that, his heart thudding in an entirely different way.

"Yeah, you're right," he says, turning to look at him briefly before continuing to watch his dad walk away. "You wanna… I don't know, get a drink sometime?"

He assumes that's what dates must include, and even if they don't, well. Maybe it can be a kind of date for _them_.

Magnus smiles back at him without speaking for a few seconds. "I would love that."

"Great," Alec replies, helplessly smiling and feeling Magnus' eyes still on his face, even if he's not sure what's going to happen next for any of this.

* * *

 


	2. Magnus

Magnus writes his message to Alec a total of fifteen times, having portaled from the Institute following their conversation over the bow and quiver to stop the temptation. To kiss him, to press him back against the wall and reason with him, to admit more of what he's feeling out loud so Alec knows that they're _sharing_ this strange situation between them; there are so many things about Alec that are  _tempting_ to him.

He's paced his apartment so many times it's made him stir crazy, and Magnus has downed several drinks before convincing himself to hit _send_.

Alec's, _on my way_ sends a flutter of panic through Magnus. He casts a spell to tidy up a little, perfects his makeup and changes clothes. He wants to come across relaxed, and carefree, instead of moping, and pining for something he told himself he would never want.

A Shadowhunter. He's fallen for a _Shadowhunter_. And Magnus, only a few days in, is in way over his head. It is strange to be feeling so much and so deeply after what can really amount as only a few hours together, but these feelings for Alec have hit him hard, and Magnus doesn't know if he can find his way back from it.

Magnus has told himself, repeatedly and often, that closing his heart off to the world is the only way to survive. He can't let anyone in, not to watch them walk away again, to find excuses why they don't want to be with him. Even those who have professed to love him in the past can't have loved him all that much for how easy it was to go.

And Alec is mortal, Magnus reminds himself, which is another way he could lose him aside from Alec growing tired of all that he is. It's too much, yet Magnus can't stop himself feeling. And when Alec's outside and there are only a few seconds before he's walking in, Magnus pleads with himself to keep calm.

"Hello… Magnus? You said you needed to talk to me," Alec calls out, and Magnus' stomach churns in knots.

"Nice to see you, Alec. I wasn't sure if you'd come," which is a stupid thing to say since he's just _messaged_ him, but the words are out now, and Magnus can't take them back. He covers it up with a snap of his fingers putting a glass in Alec's hand.

"You know how I hate to drink alone."

When Alec pulls away from him and turns to push the glass on to a table Magnus is crestfallen, but paints a smile on his face for the moment when Alec turns.

"I didn't come here to drink. Do you have any information—"

"On the warlock who cast a spell on Jocelyn?" Magnus finishes for him, irritated as he is always irritated by people constantly demanding of his services. But this is Alec, and he's already spent time looking into this spell for Jocelyn. Though he's only kidding himself if he can pretend he's doing it for anyone but Alec.

"I'm looking into it," he admits. "But we never really finished our conversation after Izzy's trial. About your wedding."

It brings Magnus some comfort that Alec repeatedly darts his eyes over him wherever he moves.

"There's no conversation to be had. I'm getting married. You and I, we understand marriage very differently."

The rehearsed tone of Alec's words reveals him. Magnus can tell by the way he's holding himself, the way the words come out in a blast, that he must have practiced them on the way over. It doesn't mean they hurt any less. And Magnus doesn't _have_ any ideas about marriage, that's sort of the point. No one has wanted him enough to ever want that with him.

"I'm a Shadowhunter. This is about family, and tradition. Honor—"

"Honor?" Magnus interrupts, because the audacity of it makes him want to yell things. "Where's the honor in living a lie?"

"What are you talking about?" Alec says, monotone, clearly hiding what he's really thinking.

"What about love?" Magnus suggests, beginning to walk towards him. "Even Shadowhunters fall in love, Alec."

Alec shifts as though he doesn't know where to be and at the same time can't move. Does he realize just how much _ache_ there is in the look he's giving him? How close he looks to giving in, and doing _something_ to change things between them?

"Just tell me you're in love with Lydia, and I'll stop," Magnus says. He knows, without even a second of doubt, that there is not even a modicum of love between them. _A solid partnership_ is not the foundation of a loving one, not in this sense, anyway. And every look that passes between him and Alec shows just how much he doesn't love Lydia, and never will.

Alec continues to shuffle awkwardly, mouth open as though he's about to speak several times before he can get a single word out.

"I don't know," Alec says, his tone becoming clipped. "Why do you keep pushing?"

 _For one thing_ , Magnus thinks, _because of the way you keep looking at me._

"You're confusing me," Alec blurts out, becoming agitated the closer they get to each other, and suddenly snatching himself away. Does he not trust himself?

"Confusion is part of it," Magnus tells him, relieved it stops Alec leaving altogether. "That's how you find out if something's there. Emotions are never black and white. They're more like… symptoms."

Alec can't stop _looking_ at him, repeatedly swallows hard, perhaps unaware of how often his eyes drop to Magnus' lips.

"You lose your breath every time they enter a room," Magnus says as he walks around him, hearing the dull tick of a rapidly beating heart. The pulse of magic he sends towards it is only to make Alec aware that he knows, and sees Alec raise his hand to cover it.

"Your heart beats faster when they walk by," he adds in teasing, noting how Alec's hand falls.

"Your skin tingles when they stand close enough to feel their breath," Magnus tells him, and okay, the little puff of breath enhanced by magic on the back of Alec's neck is a _bit_ much, but it emphasizes his point.

Alec turns away but doesn't move, and Magnus pleads with him silently to really _hear_ him.

"I know you feel what I feel, Alec," Magnus tells him softly when Alec turns around to face him and they're less than a foot apart. Perhaps he's revealed too much of his own thoughts and left himself vulnerable, but Magnus won't and can't take back his words.

"You don't have any clue what I feel. So back off," Alec retorts, the beginnings of softness on his face returning to a scowl.

Magnus watches Alec spin away from him, shoulders set in anger, before he's coming to a stop yet again and turning back to glare at him.

"This is all just a game to you, isn't it?" Alec says, his voice full of accusation. "You flirt, you laugh, you use magic, but at the end of the day, what do you risk?"

Magnus tries hard to rein in the hurt on his face, not reveal how much Alec's words are wounding him. Does he really think he feels like that? That he's just toying with him? That he doesn't stand to risk just as much by falling for a Shadowhunter?

"Even if I did feel something for you, you want me to give up my life for you? I have to do what's right for me," Alec adds, and something in Magnus' chest gives a painful stab.

"I could lose my family, my career; everything," Alec tells him, and it's the only thing to bring Magnus a little piece of comfort in amongst all this hurt. If it wasn't for all of those things holding Alec back perhaps he would _try_ for this.

He isn't asking Alec to give his life up for him, Magnus thinks indignantly, he's asking only for a chance. But Alec isn't willing.

"You just don't get it," Alec finishes with, his voice contorted with exasperation. Magnus is hurting, but in that moment he's also hurting for Alec. Their evening together revealed many things about the eldest of the Lightwood siblings, and the burdens weighed on his shoulders by Robert and Maryse.

Alec, Magnus thinks, has probably never made a single decision in his life that wasn't based on duty, and honor, proving himself to his parents. It's a small thing to comfort himself with, but it's all he's got, so he's holding on hard.

"You have a choice to make," Magnus tells him, thick with emotion even though he's trying to disguise it. And he also knows Alec doesn't think he has a choice. But he has to give him one, and then he has to walk away from this man who has intrigued and captivated his attention like no one else in more than a century.

"I will not ask again," Magnus adds, telling himself he will stick to that self-imposed rule, even if he doesn't want to.

He doesn't wait to see what Alec's reaction will be, needs to be alone for at least a little while to hurt himself further with a repeat of Alec's words.

* * *

The last place on this Earth Magnus wants to be is the New York Institute, and yet here he is, feeling as though he might be about to referee a fight between Clary and Jace. These Shadowhunters are not getting anywhere near Ragnor without him being there, however; how dare they insist on waltzing into his home uninvited just because it's convenient to their plans?

Plus, if there's an opportunity to get away from here, at least for a little while and to see a friendly face, he has to take it. Though Ragnor Fell is _not_ more powerful than him, Magnus quietly seethes to himself, and thinks of several ways to prove it.

"Magnus. I didn't know you were here."

To hear Lydia's surprised though welcoming voice when coming face to face with an annoyed-looking Alec stood with his hands on his hips and glaring, is exactly what Magnus had been hoping to avoid. Alec keeps trying not to look at him, and in doing so only succeeds in looking harder. And Magnus can't help but look back; all this possibility in front of him stolen by the person beside him. Magnus wants to run, hard and fast and anywhere away from here.

"How can I help?" Alec asks when Clary reveals what they're doing, and that reinforces Magnus' need to leave immediately.

"We're just recovering a warlock, Alec. We got this covered," Jace retorts. Magnus bristles for his words but fights not to show it.

"Besides, you have emissaries from the Clave to meet," Magnus adds, equally as curt. "You don't want to tarnish your family's perfectly-crafted image, now do you?"

They're staring at each other again. Alec looks so doubtful, so lost, and yet also so determined to stick to this _plan_ of his, and Magnus doesn't want to see it for a moment longer.

"Again, lovely seeing you, Magnus," Lydia says, and irrationally, Magnus loathes that Alec follows her like a lapdog. This isn't Lydia's fault, it's not even really Alec's. But Magnus is stuck in the middle of this mess also through no fault of his own, and it hurts like hell.

Magnus walks away from everyone, needing a few moments alone.

* * *

"How I loathe that photograph," Magnus hears over his shoulder, and it's a voice he thought he'd ever hear again.

Ragnor is here, and today he lost Ragnor because of these _Shadowhunters_. It's not their fault, he immediately corrects himself, placing the blame firmly on Valentine instead.

But Ragnor is here. Ragnor is real, and oh, how badly does Magnus need a friend today. He'd call up Catarina but she's been working double shifts all week, and she looks so tired every time he sees her of late that Magnus doesn't want to burden her with his silly problems.

They talk of Camille. He hasn't thought about her consciously for so many years, that this photo of the three of them together unleashes a wall of memories he intends to clearly forget. Camille is the reason he's like this, so long shut himself off to the possibility of other people, yet she's also got a complicated hold on him for the few good things she's done.

That she never truly loved him, however, is not something he can blame her for. No one can make themselves love anyone, and he's tried to tell Alec that, to warn him of the future he faces with Lydia if that's the path he chooses to take.

When he looks up from letting his mind wander, Ragnor has disappeared again. Magnus' immediate thought is to call Alec, but he can't find the words to say.

* * *

The charango seems to be the thing to bring Ragnor back, and though Magnus can't really play more than a few random notes, the sound of it makes him smile.

"Do you remember Imasu? He played this so beautifully."

Imasu. Another lost lover, another one who couldn't stay because Magnus was too much to deal with, and Magnus couldn't give him what he wanted. This is the way it has always been. He's loved, and lost, and lost again. Given all that he is and proved to be too much, and always ended up alone.

"Maybe Camille was right. I am immortal. I can party and have fun to my heart's content without the anchors of love around my feet."

He doesn't mean a word of it, of course. True love would be an anchor, it would ground him, make him belong somewhere and to someone. It's all he's ever wanted, really, secretly—or perhaps not so secretly at all.

"You are not Camille," Ragnor tells him. "And though I know you won't believe me, someday someone will come along who will tear down those walls you've built around your heart. And when that love comes back to you, you must do everything in your power to fight for it."

 _Alec_ , Magnus thinks, even though it's far too soon to even think of the word _love_. But Ragnor is right; Alec is worth fighting for, he is worth whatever difficulty and hurt he's gone through, and might still go through.

Magnus wishes Ragnor could stay, but by the time he turns to thank him for his advice he's already gone. And Magnus is running out of time; he has a wedding to crash, a last chance to take before he truly moves on.

* * *

Is he too late?

Magnus' heart thuds as he stares up at the altar, the stele in Lydia's hand poised against Alec's before it drops away. Not that he has eyes for anything but Alec, of course, who looks stunning in his suit; even if it's one he's supposed to be marrying someone else in.

There are probably many people in this room who don't want him here, but all Magnus can see, is Alec. He's stolen his words, actually, the ones he's been rehearsing on the way over, and they haven't even spoke to one another yet.

Alec is staring back, and even from this distance Magnus can tell that his arrival has revived his doubts. Or just made them louder; Magnus knows without having to ask that for all Alec's words about duty and honor, he's doubted this decision from the very beginning, wants to keep the parts of it that will work but can't do that without making a huge personal sacrifice.

Maryse comes storming towards him then, this angry, indignant, frankly rude Shadowhunter who thinks he is _beneath_ her. Magnus hasn't got time for such things today.

"Maryse, this is between me and your son. I'll leave if he asks me to."

Which Alec might. There might be too much at risk of losing to take the offer Magnus is making, and really, Magnus thinks, it's not much of an offer he's made. There is an understanding between them that he hasn't verbalized above little more than platitudes. But he has a whole list of reasons for Alec to give them a chance if he'll listen to them.

Alec is frozen, literally. His hand still extends where Lydia was about to etch a rune into it, and his mouth is open like it's forgotten how to close. Lydia is staring at Alec, but all other eyes are on _him_ , Magnus realizes. And now Magnus feels frozen too. What if he's made a mistake? What if he's misread everything he's thought he's seen in Alec, and that Alec was just being honest when he said Magnus didn't know how he felt?

Should he leave, Magnus asks himself, then firmly stands his ground. He has done nothing wrong here and is doing nothing wrong. There is _something_ between him and Alec. And though he's not doing this just for noble causes, perhaps being here is helping save Alec from himself.

Alec looks terrified even from this distance, and Magnus wants to just reach out and hold him, or make him smile, or do something to ease the look on his face. Jace is talking to him, and now so is Lydia, and Alec just can't snatch his eyes away from _him_. But then he is doing; Magnus studies his lips moving wishing he could read them, and has to remind himself to breathe. And that Alec is nervously fidgeting on the spot doesn't help Magnus with anything. He wants to get closer, but can't bring himself to move.

Lydia is smiling, she's reaching out to pat his face and Magnus resists the thought that he wants to slap her hand away from Alec. But then Alec is turning, his eyes sweeping over the room as though he's about to make a statement, before finally coming to fix on _him_.

Magnus takes a breath, feels his heart thud in protest as Alec keeps staring at him as he hops down the steps. He's just standing there, and Magnus doesn't think he's ever felt so confused in his life. But he's not moving, he's seeing this thing through, tilts his chin and squares his shoulders in defiance, prepared to deal with whatever is about to happen.

Alec is walking towards him, staring so hard back at him that Magnus thinks he can't even be blinking.

Maryse charges past Magnus then, and he wants to call out, he wants to let this thing play out with Alec without any interference, and Magnus is all too aware of what family _means_ to Alec. One word from her and Alec will likely flee, and Magnus will be lost.

" _Enough_."

The word rings out around the room full of authority and certainty, and Magnus feels grounded yet flighty all over again. Alec doesn't even shift his eyes from him, Magnus thinks, holding himself strong even though he's feeling anything but, and he has no idea what to expect.

When Alec grabs his jacket Magnus still doesn't know what's going on, but then warm lips are on his, and Alec is kissing him hard, and it feels like there's relief coursing through Alec's body as Magnus tentatively raises his hands to lightly rest on his waist in case his touch is uninvited. It feels like Alec needs this kiss, just as much as Magnus does, and Magnus would happily kiss him back forever if he could. But then Alec is pulling away, and instinct has Magnus chasing his mouth because he isn't _done_ yet. He knows a moment of fear, wondering if Alec has changed his mind, but then he's leaning in to kiss him again.

When Alec pulls back a second time, Magnus gives him room to breathe, already expecting the nerves he must be feeling and having that expectation confirmed for the look on his face.

"You never cease to amaze me, Alec," Magnus says, his heart skipping with excitement.

"Yeah," Alec says, breathless in more ways than one. "What did I just do?"

Here comes the regret, Magnus thinks, bracing himself for it. It's not a lot to live on, but at least he's had a _kiss_.

Maryse is furious, turning away after glaring at them for a few seconds, though Magnus notes Robert is slower to turn, and wonders if that's a good thing. Though Izzy's pride for him as she rushes to join them does something to ease the fear on his face. And Simon's bewildering comparison of them to a scene from  _The Graduate_ is entertaining for a few seconds at least. Throughout it all, he feels a buzz of connection to Alec, he doesn't move far from his side.

Magnus is watching everyone around them even as they're talking, feels a stab of guilt for Lydia, and doesn't approach Jace and Clary until he sees her leave. He'd rather not leave Alec, but there are things he still needs to do, there are so many things that need to be resolved. Magnus smiles as he gestures to Alec that he needs to leave, and feels his eyes never leaving the back of his head as he walks.

* * *

Magnus feels strange being about to put Ragnor's personal effects on display, but that is part of the reason that he's here so he has to do it, and leave grieving for Ragnor for another day.

Alec's eyes flit to his repeatedly, jolting a burst of excitement in Magnus' gut. And perhaps his, _warlock tracking is stronger_ is a little theatrical purely for the benefit of Alec, but Magnus is still on a high from that kiss, and will ride it out as long as he can. Though realizing there might need to be a meeting with _Camille_ leaves a sour taste in his mouth even if it doesn't dull that excitement.

When Jace and Clary leave, and there's no one else in sight that he needs to see, Alec gestures for Magnus to follow.

"I'm so glad we got away from that crowd and all those people. So intense," Alec says the moment they're alone. He keeps flitting around the room, waving his hands as though he's nervous and repeatedly fiddling with his cuffs.

"I have to hand it to you, Alexander," Magnus says, beaming at him, "you certainly know how to make a statement."

Magnus allows himself to step a little closer to Alec and is rewarded with a smile. He seems so elated. And then Maryse and Robert are approaching, and Magnus thinks it's time for him to leave. Though he won't go too far; he's not letting Alec go through this alone.

Maryse isn't concerned about Alec's happiness, it's her precious image to the Clave that is threatened, and Magnus loathes her for it. Though her saying she doesn't recognize Alec anymore is the most vile thing she could possibly say.

"I'm the same person I've always been," Alec retorts with, his voice coming out calmer than Magnus would have expected. "Now everything's just out in the open."

"And all for a Downworlder," she says, full of disbelief. Magnus doesn't have to turn to catch her look of disdain, but he does. He's used to it, really, and hopes her words don't reach Alec.

Maryse storms away then, and Robert comes closer, leaving Magnus holding his breath to see how he will react.

"Just give her time," he says, but doesn't immediately move to follow her.

Alec takes a deep breath, and Magnus has the urge to reach out and comfort him if Robert's words aren't kind. "And you?"

"I don't really understand this," Robert says. "But I suppose our world is changing."

Magnus thinks it's an element of acceptance as says a silent thank you for it.

"How long has this been going on?" Robert continues. "Are you two in love?"

Magnus takes that as his cue and rushes to stand beside Alec, gesturing for Alec to let him talk.

"Love?" Alec says with a nervous laugh. "What? No. No, it's… it's, uh, it's sort of a different… it's not—"

"It's all very new," Magnus says, rescuing him. Alec leans in a little towards him in relief, and Magnus' heart skips for it.

"Right," Robert says, and it sounds like he's still processing everything. But he smiles, awkwardly, and reaches out to squeeze Alec's arm, and that's about as close as an endorsement as Magnus thinks Alec's going to get.

"I better go check on Mom." Robert adds, then turns away from him. Magnus is torn between watching him walk away, and trying to gauge Alec's reaction.

"You know what I just realized?" Magnus says after a moment, hoping to calm Alec, and also to keep them talking. "We still haven't gone on our first date yet."

Alec smiles at that, seems pleased by the idea.

"Yeah, you're right," he says, turning to look at him briefly before continuing to watch his dad walk away. "You wanna… I don't know, get a drink sometime?"

Magnus smiles back at him without speaking for a few seconds, the relief that Alec hasn't also turned away stealing his words temporarily. "I would love that."

"Great," Alec replies, smiling. Magnus watches him turn his gaze back to Robert departing, and tells himself to be thankful, allow a little trust in this new thing between them.

* * *

 

 


End file.
